FREE MOVIE TICKETS! No kidding! But you have to act fast! There's a preview screening TONIGHT AT MIDNIGHT on the evening of Thursday, March 6 -- at a conveniently located theater in lower Manhattan, which I will not reveal here. The film is "Spun" -- and the stellar cast includes Jason Schwartzman (Rushmore), Mena Suvari (American Beauty), Patrick Fugit (Almost Famous), Peter Stormare (Fargo), Brittany Murphy (8 Mile), Blondie's Deborah Harry, John Leguizamo, Eric Roberts, and Mickey Rourke "in a startling, long-anticipated comeback performance."

The synopsis: When college drop-out Ross (Schwartzman) becomes local crystal-meth dealer The Cook's (Rourke) personal driver in exchange for free drugs, he has no idea what he's in for as he ricochets between the hilarious and the bizarre, descending into the insomniac, anarchic world of speed freaks. The feature-film debut of Grammy Award-winning music-video director Jonas Akerlund.

Through a promotional e-mail lottery, The Onion gave away 50 pairs of tickets to this screening -- and I was one of the lucky winners. And if the weather weren't so generally godawful today -- or if I still lived within walking distance to this theater, which I did at one time -- I'd have surely taken advantage of opportunity to see what sounds like a really fun flick. But -- sadly -- the timing and circumstances couldn't be worse.

So if anyone reading this is interested -- or if you know anyone who might be -- then contact me IMMEDIATELY at mind@zilberhere.com, and I'll give you the fake name under which the tickets are reserved, and the location of the theater. But hurry -- this is a limited time offer!

(UPDATE: If you read this message between 2:00 and 3:30 pm today, you may have seen the date listed alternately as Thursday midnight, and then briefly -- and incorrectly -- as Saturday, March 8. The Onion seems to be having a little trouble nailing the date, but we are now being assured that the screening is definitely THURSDAY (tonight) at midnight, NOT on Saturday.)

(FOLLOW-UP: No takers. Not a one. Sorry, but if anyone at The Onion is listening, it sure didn't help matters that you kept fluffing the date. I hope it didn't play to an empty house.)